the thing about gifts isn’t the content but rather, the thoughts behind it. just the thoughts of people placing me in their minds make me happy. no one is obliged to buy you anything (especially when they’re on a holiday) but the fact that they even remember you when they can be spending that extra few minutes having fun/doing something else…. that’s what makes gifts valuable to me.
it was a great day then.
in all honesty, this feels like few months ago except it’s a little less worse. I just realised how traumatic it was because I’ve been feeling so disturbed and anxious for the entire day. people tell me there’s nothing to be afraid of as long as I’m well prepared but what’s really scaring me is going through the same feeling again, that vicious episode.
i’m halfway through November. i’ve been busy but it’s rather eventful. wouldn’t say it’s smooth sailing but hey, no one promised me a peaceful life.
gotta get the rough life goin’
/crawls away slowly to do more work
would it be different if i had taken another path? a path that i think i would want to live walking on it for the rest of my life, a path that would have left me with more excitement and curiosity. i’ve always wondered… but deep inside, i know i’m never a courageous one to change paths just because i want to. i’m afraid. or maybe, i don’t want it that bad after all.
we’ll see if things will change. change. changes sound quite unlikely to me now but who knows what happens in the next 10 years? hmmm…
whenever i go through a good photo blog, i get this silly drive to want to just pull my camera out that has been hibernating in the drawer for quite a while, and just go snap photos of whatever and wherever. i tell myself i’d do that tomorrow but it never happens…..
does anyone even read here? probably not, but i guess it doesn’t really matter since i’m still writing posts every now and then heh. i don’t know how to express my thoughts well through words but it’s very frustrating when words don’t come out the way i want them to. a close friend once got me to describe her just out of curiosity and i thought “hey, sure. we’ve been friends for over a decade now” but it took me ages just to tell her, “……i’m sorry, i don’t know how to do this”. i didn’t want to give up and gave a second attempt….. but alas, still zero words typed and there, in the tiny chatbox, was the cursor… just blinking rhythmically. i was disappointed. there were a lot of things that i wanted to express, a lot of good things and how great she’s been. yet, she understood and comforted by telling me it’s ok and that she knew i cared even though i don’t say it out.
when you make an effort to care for someone, they’ll eventually realise that they would want to care for you too. at least that’s how it is for me so far… I admit I don’t have a lot of close friends but the ones I have around are always so good to me. it’s again times like these that I’d spend the night thinking about how I should be more grateful and contented and how I should treat people better.
half the time spent missing people and places, another half the time spent worrying over things. now that life is back on track, I know that there’s a whole new bunch of frustration awaiting me… when I reach that point in life, I hope I won’t destroy myself. sigh.
that 30 mins of intense fear, i was literally shaking. couldn’t even do it on my own and had a friend to help me out. thank god, good news came my way and i broke into tears right after. i guess it’s all about hard work and a little bit of luck (and my mum’s endless lectures)
now i feel like myself again.
it’s all about getting used to it. i guess coming back earlier wasn’t as terrible as i thought it’d be… though my heart still sets at home but facing reality is one of the adult things i’ll have to do. too many useless “what if” and “if only”, time to move on.
need to quickly get my bum off the chair and go do some quick grocery shopping! so many things to do but so little time.